Vodka Soaked Tampons: A Deep Probe Into Butt Chugging

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like we all know someone who knew someone who imbibed via the anal aqueduct for one reason or another, but this is the first article I’ve ever read where the reporter attempts to determine if it’s actually possible to achieve a buzz via the rectal route. Like most people, I get hung up in the humor of it all, but when you think of it logistically you’d have a deuce of a time trying to insert a vodka bloated, floppy tampon anywhere. If you’re all all squeamish, you should have stopped reading long ago.

When you soak the tampon, it enlarges (duh). How then do you reverse engineer it back into its applicator to “toss it back,” so to speak? And without the help of the applicator, wouldn’t it be like trying to shove an unfurled umbrella back into its cover? Ok, so maybe you don’t remove the tampon, but soak it in its applicator: Just stick it in a martini glass like a swizzle stick. Classy! Still, how does it absorb the alcohol if it can’t expand?

So the reporter does what any other curious mind would do.

I lined up three martini glasses: my beakers, if you will. In the first I placed a regular tampon still in its plastic applicator. In the next, I put a super tampon in a cardboard applicator (on the principle a cardboard applicator might absorb more than the plastic one). And in the third, I went for the “super plus,” out of its applicator. To allow for the probability that my alcohol tolerance exceeds that of the typical teenager’s, I established a control experiment: at an interval after the tampon experiment, I would toss back the same amount of vodka the traditional way.

You know you want to read the rest!

Bonus: Fox News blows the door off the outhouse with this riveting report!

Best quote: “If I’m a parent of a teenager, what can I do to make sure these are used for the job their intended, and nothing more?”